Freaky Hair Sculptures and the New Vulvacious Girl Scout Cookie that I Invented
by Hally Marlino
If you think you woke up with bedhead get a load of these wild haired chicks.
My two-year old daughter despises having her hair combed. She kicks, claws and insults me and her Daddy when we try to detangle her golden locks. If I’m feeling weak, she escapes and remains a side pony tailed ragamuffin banshee. If we need to go out, however, I have to get wicked crafty to keep her still for ‘do fixing.
If you have a toddler, you may feel my pain. I’ve always cut my own hair, bangs and all, mostly because I’m a cheap fuss. Once a month, I trim baby girl’s fringe. She tolerates the beauty shop treatment, but one hundred brushstrokes she’ll not abide. Here’s how I keep her Medusa-headed tendencies in check:
1. Lollipops, goddammit.
Anything that will turn her tongue blue will keep her happy long enough to get her hair did.
2. My Neighbor Totoro
When Cat Bus come ’round the bend, creepy eyes blinking, she’s hypnotized and I can put the coiff in her coiffure. We’re going to Disneyworld in two days and my children will look decent.
3. Ignore the cute neighbor kid’s knock at the door. Y’already let your son buy four boxes of Do-Si-Dos from those Girl Scout smack dealers. Bitchlings, please. We don’t need your kind of help around here. Nobody has asked me to back that ass up lately and it’s probably your fault, G Scouts of ’Merrca.
It’s cool though, Girl Scouts, that you’re putting money where our vaginas are. So how about giving birth to a new cookie, in honor of your sensible support of Planned Parenthood? Here are my ideas:
G-Spot Cherry Robots
Two-Bite Pink Tacos
Y’all think it over. In the meantime, okay, I’ll take some Thin Mints.
From my box to yours, Namaste.
Images: 1. Tresse Agoche, 2. Gregory Dean, 3. Tresse Agoche, 4. Christophe Heughe, 5. studiomarisol.com, 6. Shoplifter, 7. Nagi Noda, 8. Mark Anthony Sumray, 9. Big Hair Competition, 10. hairshegoesagain.wordpress.com, 11. Matt Saw, 12: Nicholas French