Freaky Hair Sculptures and the New Vulvacious Girl Scout Cookie that I Invented
by Hally Marlino
If you think you woke up with bedhead get a load of these wild haired chicks.
My two-year old daughter despises having her hair combed. She kicks, claws and insults me and her Daddy when we try to detangle her golden locks. If I’m feeling weak, she escapes and remains a side pony tailed ragamuffin banshee. If we need to go out, however, I have to get wicked crafty to keep her still for ‘do fixing.
If you have a toddler, you may feel my pain. I’ve always cut my own hair, bangs and all, mostly because I’m a cheap fuss. Once a month, I trim baby girl’s fringe. She tolerates the beauty shop treatment, but one hundred brushstrokes she’ll not abide. Here’s how I keep her Medusa-headed tendencies in check:
1. Lollipops, goddammit.
Anything that will turn her tongue blue will keep her happy long enough to get her hair did.
2. My Neighbor Totoro
When Cat Bus come ’round the bend, creepy eyes blinking, she’s hypnotized and I can put the coiff in her coiffure. We’re going to Disneyworld in two days and my children will look decent.
3. Ignore the cute neighbor kid’s knock at the door. Y’already let your son buy four boxes of Do-Si-Dos from those Girl Scout smack dealers. Bitchlings, please. We don’t need your kind of help around here. Nobody has asked me to back that ass up lately and it’s probably your fault, G Scouts of ’Merrca.
Image: democraticunderground.com
It’s cool though, Girl Scouts, that you’re putting money where our vaginas are. So how about giving birth to a new cookie, in honor of your sensible support of Planned Parenthood? Here are my ideas:
Fallopian Toodles
Labial Fluffs
Giner Doodles
Kegel Crunchies
Marshmallow Muffs
G-Spot Cherry Robots
Two-Bite Pink Tacos
Puntang Puffs
Queef Sandwiches
Y’all think it over. In the meantime, okay, I’ll take some Thin Mints.
From my box to yours, Namaste.
Images: 1. Tresse Agoche, 2. Gregory Dean, 3. Tresse Agoche, 4. Christophe Heughe, 5. studiomarisol.com, 6. Shoplifter, 7. Nagi Noda, 8. Mark Anthony Sumray, 9. Big Hair Competition, 10. hairshegoesagain.wordpress.com, 11. Matt Saw, 12: Nicholas French
Is that ad supposed to be anti girl scout? Cuz if so it totally didn’t work for me. Loving them even more now! Great post as usual Hally! also I always dreamed of having a little girl that would let me fuss over hair…….until I had one and talk about banshee. Hair nearly to her butt and she will not let me close to it without the threat of scissors to chop off the mess!
Sarah, yes I think it was intended to shock and upset us. Looks like it just made us feel warm and fuzzy toward the Girl Scouts. I love it too. But I don’t appreciate the ad’s suggestion that anyone is ‘pro-abortion.’ As if access to comprehensive reproductive health care is anything other than supportive and inclusive. Banshees unite!
Dude. I do not know how I missed this. Giner Doodles is the best thing I’ve ever heard. If you decide to submit your ideas, here are some contributions: Beaver Bites, Front Butt Fluffs, Cooter Crisps, and Twatty Twirls. Also, my almost 2-year-old niece is a terror about getting dressed and last time I babysat her mom came home and she was just chilling there with no shirt on, covered in powdered doughnut, rubbing her Buddha belly, because I couldn’t get a freakin’ shirt on her. But she lets me play with her hair freely. I guess baby banshees pick and choose where to take a stand.
Oh, girl, you best be baking these cookies. I want to see them. Especially Beaver Bites. So many lulz. You and your niece sound like you know how to live. I’d do just about anything for a powdered doughnut right now. I’m on my fourth cuppa black coffee.
On Wed, Mar 20, 2013 at 2:00 PM, Tigress Press